X-Blades (PlayStation 3)

Somewhere between concept and completion, X-Blades might have sounded cool. It might have even been cool, it's not though. The graphics are sub standard and it's got that much bloom effect lighting and over the top flash effects that it wins the award for the game most likely to give your grandmother epilepsy and harm kittens 2009. So there's not much I can say since the monsters are generic and the character is about as sexist as you can get without a label on the game that says: hey weaboo fanboys, here's your tits and ass every other game promised but failed to deliver.

Bad graphics plus so-called SEXY do not a good game make!

Bad weaboos, no biscuit!

Animations

Badly created characters, animated with all the care of a truck laden with nitro-glycerine driving down a bumpy road. This describes the animations in X-Blades perfectly. It's not done very well at all, appears jerky and there are times that Ayumi transforms from ugly woman into long limbed monstrosity when the animators obvious along with the artists, failed to study proper human anatomy. Either that or she's the spawn of a frenzied coupling between Urotsukidoji and a human woman, if you don't know what the former is (some gamers may not know the latter either), google it.

Physics

There's some in there, kind of, perhaps. Actually I'm not sure, so I'm just going to say, doesn't really seem like it.

Level Design

Just bad, combined with the dodgy controls the platform sections are frustrating and highly annoying.

AI

The enemies are dumb, not only do they look generic and dumb; they also are dumb, totally. There's nothing that resembles AI here. Move along Luke, move along.

Sound

There's sound and it really doesn't get much better or worse. It's nothing to shout about, so I'm going to say it does the job and leave it at that.

Music

I found it irritating and badly arranged, it does nothing to help the atmosphere of the game and anyone who doesn't agree, has no ear for music at all. A warbling cat would have a better soundtrack.

Voice and Dialogue

If I could I would slaughter the dialogue writer, the voice actors and probably the whole cast. Ayumi especially, she has a voice that grates like a thousand cheese graters and is about as sexy as watching endless reruns of a Discovery Channel special on making glass bottles.

Multiplayer

None, thank god. It is bad enough playing it on your own, sharing this monstrosity with friends is enough cause to have you locked up for mental and physical cruelty.

Something else here

It's not that X-Blades is a bad game, or a mediocre game. It's not a game; it's a torture device and obviously has been designed to subtly degrade the IQ of anyone who has the unfortunate luck to play it. Also, it's a terrible experience, one I wouldn't even recommend to the worst of my enemies.

Yeah, I'm looking at YOU!

P.S. any fanboy that attempts to defend this title needs to seriously jump off a bridge and die.